Life ebbs on.  The image of perfection can fall from the pedestal where I placed him.  The pain can be completely unbearable, as I watch the man I felt myself falling for transform into something that frightens me. The people around me can be totally unaware of the pain, and I can feel invisible. But life ebbs on.
I have fallen before.  I have hurt before. I have cried into the night before. I have screamed out to God before, and felt momentary and illusive peace.  I have been here before. I know what this is, and I won't stay here.  I cannot stay here.
My knees tremble as I pick myself up.  They haven't supported my weight in so long.  The first few steps will hurt.  I know my legs are weak.  I almost fall again. I almost crash to the ground.  It feels welcoming as his face flashes across my mind. I push him away.  There is freedom as I do it.  The world is mine. It is not his. I am not his. I belong to myself. I will grow strong.

I remember when I was thirteen.  I had spent the better part of the fall months making the perfect Christmas list.  It was long enough that my parents had options. I had starred my favorites, in a hope that it would make my parents think more about those options.  I had even spent time researching my favorite authors to find other books that they had written. It was going to be the best Christmas ever. I was expecting a mountain of Jack Weyland (gotta love the romance books), one or two classics (I'm super thankful that my Louisa May Alcott phase has died out), and my very own copy of Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix (no matter how many people fight me on this, I will always say this is the greatest book in the series).
Before I continue, understand that I'm the youngest child in my family, and like many other youngest children, I went through a very big entitlement phase. Please don't judge me for what I'm about to describe.
There were books under the tree, wrapped up for me.  I couldn't contain my excitement, as I ripped the paper off, only to discover this:

The Jimmy Fincher Saga.  I'm not gonna do a review on it, because I'm afraid old James Dashner will find it, and will be sadly disappointed.  As a writer myself, I understand how much heart and soul can go into a piece, and I don't want to damage that.  All I can say is that for me, they were a one time read.
I was devastated. I knew what I wanted.  I had even explained to my parents what I wanted. What was the purpose of making a Christmas list, if I was going to be given some poorly written drivel (sorry James Dashner), instead of the glorious books I wanted (Sidenote: In all fairness, Jack Weyland isn't some linguistic genius either.  He's pretty campy too, but I was a sucker for the cheestastic romances)?  Still, I read the ENTIRE series.  Two things motivated me. The first was the thought that if I didn't appreciate what I had been given, then my parents would feel justified in calling Christmas off the next year.  The second, was a hope that somewhere, something redeemable would reveal itself inside these books (unfortunately, I was disappointed).
My purpose in writing this, was not to review this series.  If you don't believe that it's not the best, go read it. My real purpose was a thought that occurred to me tonight, that is demonstrated by this story.
My parents wanted me to be happy that Christmas.  They always do. I know, because they love me, and I also was able to see the disappointment in my mom's face, when she found out that I wasn't happy with what she thought I wanted.  She had tried hard. She had wanted to surprise me, and she had read reviews of the series as well as the Christmas list that I had composed.  She knew what I liked. She knew me.  She honestly thought that this was something that would be good for me, and would make me happy.  After I had finished them, she read them too.
What I have to say about the series, is nicer than the things my mother would say about it.  She hated it.  I don't honestly know what motivated her to finish the series, but she did, and at the end she apologized, we sold them, and spent the money on a book hat had been originally on my list.
Okay, here's the point of this whole rambling story.  Sometimes, I feel like religion is this way.  I'm not trying to be blasphemous.  It's just an honest thought I had tonight.  I feel like, sometimes religious people have this thought that they know me, and because they know me, they know exactly what will make me happy.  They aren't trying to be hurtful or trying to disappoint me.  They honestly think that what they have to offer, will make me happy.  It's selfish of me to not see that.  However, from my point of view, sometimes I feel like what they have to offer is once again the Jimmy Fincher Saga, when what I really wanted was the best book in the greatest series of my generation (I'm talking about Order of the Phoenix).
And here's where I bring up 'the gay' again.  So many people have told me that the way for me to truly be happy is to marry a woman, and to live that life, even when I explain to them that what I really feel like will make me happy is a totally different path.  I'm not trying to sound selfish. I understand that people think that this really will make me happy. They think that when I experience traditional family life, the temporary disappointment of losing what I thought I wanted, will be cured when I find out how happy I am.  But I don't think that.  All I see is Jimmy Fincher, surely satisfying to some, but not what I asked for, and not really what I want, even potentially filled with disappointment, and frustration.

Freedom

It's the way the wind whips through my hair.  The bass pounds; it's louder than it probably should be.  The road stretches out before me, a path to limitless possibility.  I am speeding, and I am one with the car.  We, together, are going to go far.  It's cliche, but a cliche has never felt so good.

It is freedom.  If I had to name this feeling, that is the exact name that I would give it.  Freedom. It's such a beautiful word, and it's an even more beautiful feeling.  I am not tied down, I am not enslaved. I am not imprisoned.  I am free.  I am free to go as far as a full tank of gas can take me. I am free to stay as long as it takes for my mind to churn through all that it contains.  I am free to feel alive. It is amazing to feel alive.

I am aware that I am allowed to love and be loved. I am aware that I can think for myself. I am aware that I can believe the very internal beliefs I have, without being afraid. I am aware that I am free.  

The sun is setting.  I have always appreciated sunsets, but they speak to me now, in ways they never had before.  Now I am truly aware of the fact that this time, this life, this moment is beautiful, and is meant to be savored.

Things I've Learned This Week:

• I will never be able to lose the obsession I have with words.
• Working out can take your mind off of a lot of things.
• Mint Chocolate protein shake is the motivation to work out.
• I am out of shape.
• Not everyone thinks that homosexuality is something that is terrible.
• There is never a reason to not be kind.
• Letting go of hurtful people is wonderful.
• When you are yourself, you will meet people who love you.
• Sometimes people deserve a little extra time and attention.
• Taking "me time" is healthy on occasion.
• There is such thing as too much "me time."
• Speaking from the heart will always do more than logic.
• Music can calm the heart and soothe the mind.
• Standing firm in opinions is not unkind, but it does require tact.
• I am not meant to personally take care of everyone, but I can be available.
• People deserve my honesty. I'm not there yet, but I'm coming to it.
• Prayer is a resource that is ALWAYS available, and it's worth taking advantage of.
• Checklists are great.  I don't know very many feelings more satisfactory than having a complete checklist.
• Sometimes it's better to listen to suggestions. There's a reason humans know how to communicate.
• There is enough time to let a book carry you away. Trust me, you have time.
• Life feels better when you have fewer secrets to keep.
• It is totally worth it to chase your dreams.
• Sometimes you have to reevaluate your dreams. Don't let that break you.
• It is possible to develop character traits you want, but it takes a lot of hardwork and focus.
• There is no title that has the ability to define a person, not "Mormon," "gay," "straight," or anything else.
• It's okay to want to be great.
• It is not okay to crush people you love to become great.
• New chapters in life are exciting.
• New chapters in life are scary.
• New chapters in life happen constantly.
• One chapter of life does not have to define the rest of your life.
• Planning things with people is a powerful way to keep them close.
• Reminiscing is important, but friendships built on reminiscing don't stand forever.
• I think entirely too much, and try to find a deeper meaning in everything.

Bravery

Here's a couple of awkward moments that have happened as I have made attempts to be brave.  As you read these, the words "bless his heart" will probably come to mind.
My first one is not a very graceful or brave moment.  I have a coworker who has a gay best friend.  He's told me a lot about this gay best friend, including the fact that his friend worked at the local grocery store.  What you have to understand is that the number of people who are publicly out in this valley, are slim.  I'm not even numbered among them.  I decided I wanted to meet this guy, so I went to the store, and there he was in the baking aisle, talking to another customer.  So, I make my way up to about where he is, and then, freeze.  I don't remember how to say anything, and our eyes meet for a second, and I'm feeling my stomach plummet, because I literally have a total of zero experience attempting to flirt with other men.  We look away from each other.  My hands reach compulsively for a cake mix, and he begins to walk away.  I'm screaming at myself to introduce myself, but my feet are turning and walking me to the check out, with a cake mix in hand.  To this day, I have gone back several times, but never had an opportunity like that one.
Then there was today.  Over the weekend, listening to General Conference, the thought kept coming that I had already made a decision about whether or not I was gonna keep living in the constant discomfort of dishonesty, so I made the decision Sunday that today I would go to my campuses L.I.F.E. (Love is for Everyone) meeting.  Class ends, and I find myself at the student center, a couple of feet away from the room it's supposed to be held in, just sitting on a couch, trying to find the courage to go.  There's still a half hour before the meeting starts, so I plug in my iPod, and just try to find my most encouraging music.  Finally I get up the courage to go in, and it's totally empty, except for some guy.  I think about slinking back out, but this is the LGBT office, so I decide that there's no harm in asking if this is the L.I.F.E. meeting.  He tells me they went into another room, so I go in there, and end up asking the Asian Student Union if they're L.I.F.E.  The weird part is, when I looked in, my first thought was "whoah, there are a lot of gay Asians at this school." My first thought after leaving the room was "Well, that was by far the easiest coming out experience of my life."

A Thankful Heart

I noticed it the other night as I was getting ready for bed.  I wasn't staring at a monster in the mirror, who happened to be wearing my hoody and my pajama bottoms.  I was looking at an individual who I love.  It was kind of surprising, so I stood there for longer than I probably should have, just staring. The man in the mirror wasn't broken, he wasn't damaged, he wasn't a monster.  

I'm learning the idea of self-love slowly. I've spent most of my life carrying the secret of my feelings, but I'm moving past that.  I'm not there yet.  I haven't come out, and I don't know when I will, but there's a major part of me that isn't too worried about it anymore.  I've lost a lot from coming out to the people I have, but I have also gained a lot.  There are some very incredible human beings in my life who have been able to take the fact that I feel what I feel, and have loved me.  When I saw nothing lovable, they saw so much more.  So to those people, I just wanted to say a huge thank you. 

I haven't felt this great in a long time, and it's amazing.