This is not going to be cute. Just a heads up.
I broke this month. I crashed to the ground, and fell farther and harder than I ever thought possible. I was holding it together so well, and then in one night, everything I thought I was holding up fell down around me, and I found myself alone on my couch, holding myself, struggling to breathe. When I was a freshman in college, I contemplated suicide. If I had access to the roof of the dorms, I would have jumped. I broke out of that shell though, and I moved on. I don't know how it happened, but somehow good friends came into my life, and lifted me up, and for four years, I was fine. Life still had its ups and downs, but I could manage them, and everything was okay.
On November 8, 2014, I once again found myself contemplating what it would be like, if I just veered into oncoming traffic, and let myself get killed. It sounded so good to me. For months I had fooled myself into believing that my family was going to support my choice of lifestyle, and then on that day, I felt it all fall down. I got in a fight with my parents, got in a fight with my sister, lied to my brother, and left my family's house feeling broken and dejected. After a series of other painful events, I found myself in my car, sobbing uncontrollably behind the steering wheel, parked on the side of the road, alone, in the dark. I don't know how I got back to my apartment, but when I was there, I realized that I wanted to die. I wanted it to end. I didn't end it. I fought the feelings, I fought the tears, I fought the self-loathing, but I was terrified.
On November 15, 2014, I met a new friend. We are not dating, although he is gay. He has a boyfriend, and I'm interested in his gay roommate (who also has a boyfriend), but for the first time, someone entered my life, who within the first twenty minutes of us talking had become someone I trusted with all of my secrets. He has been a lifesaver, and he has been one of the few people in the world who has made me feel good about being myself. I owe so much to him.
I am still broken. Don't think that in a matter of a few weeks all of the pain of that horrible night has been swept away, but the brokenness is not going to last forever. Meeting my new friend was the introduction to something I haven't seen in a while. That new thing is hope. I believe that I will make it. I will find people who love me for who I am, not for who they want me to be. I have done that. I will do it again, and again. I will not be alone. I know that.
