One More Time

For closure I want to write about you one last time. You have taught me so much, and I'm thankful for the past three years that we've had, but I'm not going for a fourth year, because I won't be able to handle it.
I remember the night we stayed up talking until 3 in the morning, and I felt so safe, so secure. It was such a good feeling, and I hadn't felt it very much in my life before you.  Thanks for that.
I remember that night as we sped through the canyon with our friends, sitting close to you, nearly leaning into you.  I remember all of us were screaming Taylor Swift at the top of our lungs, except for you, you were laughing.
I remember driving faster than I ever had before, for one last chance to see you.
I remember story time, and how much fun that was. How when you could tell it was a bad day, you would prop open Grimm's Fairy Tales and read them to me.
I remember that we had each others backs.


But it ended.  Maybe I wanted more than you could give me.  Maybe you finally sensed it, and decided to leave me high and dry.
Whatever it was, I remember so much hurt.
I remember you trying to fix me, trying to change me in really cruel ways. I remember your judgment, and your condescension. I remember hearing you talk about me behind my back. I remember your hypocrisy, the way you always would get mad at me for talking about people, unless you wanted the details I knew.  I remember your selfishness.  I remember the nights I waited up for you to come home.  But it's all over.


I'm not in pain anymore.  That's the truly miraculous part of this. I had envisioned us as a team forever, and now I can't even see us as a team anymore. We're two individuals, who are happier this way.  And I think that's the best part of all of this. I don't need you, and you don't need me. But more than that, I don't love you, and I don't choose you. 

#Cheesyafterschoolspecial

"In the past 3 days, I...
-Drove 1,632 miles
-DJ'd a private party
-Filmed a supercell thunderstorm
-Photographed a $13,333 electric guitar
-Chased a baby bobcat
-Witnessed a blue 'fireball' meteor
-Hit 111MPH in a Lexus
-Purchased my first Mountain Big Face animal t-shirt
-Saw a car accident in a drive-thru
-Listened to 32 hours of music"

This is what I saw when I logged into facebook today, and all I could think was "psh, amateur."  Let me list a few things I did in the past 3 days to highlight how amazing my life is.

-Internally debated with myself whether or not to go to the grocery store today.
-Wandered aimlessly around a cemetery to clear my head.
-Cleaned several public toilets for a little over minimum wage.
-Wrote a few papers, at obscenely early hours of the morning, so I'm pretty sure they'll need revision.
-Daydreamed my way through an English focused on immigration laws.
-Daydreamed my way through a different English class about Adjective clauses
-Aimlessly drove through the valley jamming to Neon Trees (I've already admitted that I am an addict.)
-Took a few minute break to shove a couple plums, some crackers and a granola bar down my throat.
-Texted.  Did a lot of texting.
-Drove a safe 35MPH in a 2004 Honda Civic (because I live on the edge and appreciate the finer things in life)
-Walked across campus approximately five different times today.
-Daydreamed in the library, and then realized I had been staring at a random girl for like 10 minutes, and she had noticed.

I know, by the end of that list, you're probably thinking, "oh man, I don't think my life will ever be able to live up to your amazing life." And while part of me wants to say, "you're right." The part of me that wants to be a good human being, and to have those people that enjoy being around me (I'm pretty sure they're called friends), is saying that you really shouldn't compare your life to mine. I'm sure you do some pretty awesome things too, and we all have ups and downs in the amount of "living" we do in a given week. If you see someone doing what you want to do, don't sit there and envy them for living your dreams. Let their success inspire you to push yourself a little harder so you can actually live your dreams.
#cheesyafterschoolspecial

I am lying in the dirt.  The cuts and scratches that decorate my skin from head to toe are smarting.  Dirt has never had a soothing relationship with open wounds.  I never knew that pain could feel so good.  It tells me I'm alive.  The fall did not kill me. It should have, but it didn't. I am alive.
I don't think I've ever appreciated the smell of the air so much. It's sweet on my nostrils.  On top of that, there are few other words besides 'glorious' to describe the way the sun feels as it tenderly encircles my wounded body. I could lay here forever, and never get tired of this feeling of being alive.
I don't think I can stand up yet, but it doesn't bother me.  If I stand up, then this moment will pass. It's not that I'm opposed to the idea of this moment passing, because one of the most beautiful parts about life is that moments do pass.  But I just am not ready yet.  Just a little more time, being cradled by the sun, and caressed by the breeze.
Just a little longer.  I will stand, I will walk, I will run.

Living

I'm gonna take a second to write something personal. And I'm not meaning something mentally personal, but just like an actual adventure. Is it weird that I think that writing about what I do is more personal than writing about what I think? Probably...
And what exactly did I do? I lived yesterday. That's what I did.  Okay, I promise I'm not trying to be annoying...  I just am not sure how to actually express how amazing yesterday was. 
I WENT TO A NEON TREES CONCERT!!!  It was literally probably the best hour of my life being at that concert, watching Tyler Glenn dance around stage, and rock it.  I mean, watching the entire band was incredible, but for a million reasons I could not take my eyes off of Tyler.
I don't think I've ever witnessed a human being that comfortable in embracing himself, with all his quirkiness, and not just embracing it, but owning it. It was inspiring. I mean, I had heard before that I was in for a treat, but I was blown away.  If someone can captivate you to the point that you don't even mind that one of your friends nearly died in a mosh pit, or that you basically just took a bath in a mud puddle, because the people behind you are kicking said puddle at you, and you can even ignore the fact that the other fans have groped and fondled you so much that you're pretty sure you lost your virginity just standing in one place, then you know that there is something incredible about the human being in front of you.
For the past month, I've been addicted to the album Pop Psychology, because it speaks to me. Seriously, ask my roommates, or my family, or my friends, or my coworkers, or that random girl I met on the bus the other day, who caught me singing "Voices in the Halls" under my breath. Literally every last one of them will say, that I am freaking insane, and should be checked into some twelve step program. So I figured the concert would just be a chance for me to appreciate the music that speaks so deeply to me with a bunch of other people who feel similarly.
I was not expecting to be blown away by such a powerful personality. Any man who can start a concert in a studded leather jacket, and go from that to a tank top with a smiley face on it, all because he's happy, is definitely a pretty courageous man, the type I want to be able to emulate someday.  But it was more than the courage it takes to be a returned missionary and blatantly admit that you are gay.  It was the way he loved us his fans. It was visible in the way he interacted with us, the way he kept singing, even when we got so off key singing along.  It was the fact that he was so respectful, even though we were chanting "one more song" for a good several minutes after he left the stage, he didn't come back, because none of the other bands got another shot. It was the way that he was able to joke about following Chris across country because he was a good guitarist, and not because he was into Chris.  It was the way he got choked up in "First Things First." It was the way that he ended by just telling us to find something that makes us happy and follow it. It was the fact that suddenly the songs that had spoken to my soul for the past month finally had a face, and that that face was attached to a person who had written those songs.  Somehow all of the feelings I have felt while hearing his music are even deeper and stronger within him.  It was the fact that even though I still have never had a conversation with Tyler Glenn, I found within him - as I stood about twenty feet away - a kindred spirit, albeit a kindred spirit with a lot more strength and courage than I have been able to muster yet in my twenty-two years of life.

If I Were Brave

If I were brave, I would tell you that I don't believe what you believe.

If I were brave, I would be able to walk up and let you know that I want to meet you.

If I were brave, I would tell you how your smile makes me feel a hundred times better.

If I were brave, I would tell you that I want to date your best friend.

If I were brave, I would be able stand up to you for the first time in 22 years.

If I were brave, I would be able to tell you that you had your chance, and it's time for you to go.

If I were brave, I would tell you to stop relying on me to be an example of faith.

If I were brave, I would tell you that I don't know if I still even have faith.

If I were brave, I would be dancing alone in the rain, hoping that you would step in.

If I were brave, I would hold you close, and tell you that you will be okay.

If I were brave, I wouldn't flinch at your touch, or run for your love.

If I were brave, I would forgive you, and recognize that I don't have to carry these scars forever.

If I were brave, I would fight for the chance to love you.

If I were brave, I would be able to strengthen you, and tell you that you are not alone in your pain.

If I were brave, I would be able to smile at you, and say hello.

If I were brave...