Freedom

It's the way the wind whips through my hair.  The bass pounds; it's louder than it probably should be.  The road stretches out before me, a path to limitless possibility.  I am speeding, and I am one with the car.  We, together, are going to go far.  It's cliche, but a cliche has never felt so good.

It is freedom.  If I had to name this feeling, that is the exact name that I would give it.  Freedom. It's such a beautiful word, and it's an even more beautiful feeling.  I am not tied down, I am not enslaved. I am not imprisoned.  I am free.  I am free to go as far as a full tank of gas can take me. I am free to stay as long as it takes for my mind to churn through all that it contains.  I am free to feel alive. It is amazing to feel alive.

I am aware that I am allowed to love and be loved. I am aware that I can think for myself. I am aware that I can believe the very internal beliefs I have, without being afraid. I am aware that I am free.  

The sun is setting.  I have always appreciated sunsets, but they speak to me now, in ways they never had before.  Now I am truly aware of the fact that this time, this life, this moment is beautiful, and is meant to be savored.

Things I've Learned This Week:

• I will never be able to lose the obsession I have with words.
• Working out can take your mind off of a lot of things.
• Mint Chocolate protein shake is the motivation to work out.
• I am out of shape.
• Not everyone thinks that homosexuality is something that is terrible.
• There is never a reason to not be kind.
• Letting go of hurtful people is wonderful.
• When you are yourself, you will meet people who love you.
• Sometimes people deserve a little extra time and attention.
• Taking "me time" is healthy on occasion.
• There is such thing as too much "me time."
• Speaking from the heart will always do more than logic.
• Music can calm the heart and soothe the mind.
• Standing firm in opinions is not unkind, but it does require tact.
• I am not meant to personally take care of everyone, but I can be available.
• People deserve my honesty. I'm not there yet, but I'm coming to it.
• Prayer is a resource that is ALWAYS available, and it's worth taking advantage of.
• Checklists are great.  I don't know very many feelings more satisfactory than having a complete checklist.
• Sometimes it's better to listen to suggestions. There's a reason humans know how to communicate.
• There is enough time to let a book carry you away. Trust me, you have time.
• Life feels better when you have fewer secrets to keep.
• It is totally worth it to chase your dreams.
• Sometimes you have to reevaluate your dreams. Don't let that break you.
• It is possible to develop character traits you want, but it takes a lot of hardwork and focus.
• There is no title that has the ability to define a person, not "Mormon," "gay," "straight," or anything else.
• It's okay to want to be great.
• It is not okay to crush people you love to become great.
• New chapters in life are exciting.
• New chapters in life are scary.
• New chapters in life happen constantly.
• One chapter of life does not have to define the rest of your life.
• Planning things with people is a powerful way to keep them close.
• Reminiscing is important, but friendships built on reminiscing don't stand forever.
• I think entirely too much, and try to find a deeper meaning in everything.

Bravery

Here's a couple of awkward moments that have happened as I have made attempts to be brave.  As you read these, the words "bless his heart" will probably come to mind.
My first one is not a very graceful or brave moment.  I have a coworker who has a gay best friend.  He's told me a lot about this gay best friend, including the fact that his friend worked at the local grocery store.  What you have to understand is that the number of people who are publicly out in this valley, are slim.  I'm not even numbered among them.  I decided I wanted to meet this guy, so I went to the store, and there he was in the baking aisle, talking to another customer.  So, I make my way up to about where he is, and then, freeze.  I don't remember how to say anything, and our eyes meet for a second, and I'm feeling my stomach plummet, because I literally have a total of zero experience attempting to flirt with other men.  We look away from each other.  My hands reach compulsively for a cake mix, and he begins to walk away.  I'm screaming at myself to introduce myself, but my feet are turning and walking me to the check out, with a cake mix in hand.  To this day, I have gone back several times, but never had an opportunity like that one.
Then there was today.  Over the weekend, listening to General Conference, the thought kept coming that I had already made a decision about whether or not I was gonna keep living in the constant discomfort of dishonesty, so I made the decision Sunday that today I would go to my campuses L.I.F.E. (Love is for Everyone) meeting.  Class ends, and I find myself at the student center, a couple of feet away from the room it's supposed to be held in, just sitting on a couch, trying to find the courage to go.  There's still a half hour before the meeting starts, so I plug in my iPod, and just try to find my most encouraging music.  Finally I get up the courage to go in, and it's totally empty, except for some guy.  I think about slinking back out, but this is the LGBT office, so I decide that there's no harm in asking if this is the L.I.F.E. meeting.  He tells me they went into another room, so I go in there, and end up asking the Asian Student Union if they're L.I.F.E.  The weird part is, when I looked in, my first thought was "whoah, there are a lot of gay Asians at this school." My first thought after leaving the room was "Well, that was by far the easiest coming out experience of my life."

A Thankful Heart

I noticed it the other night as I was getting ready for bed.  I wasn't staring at a monster in the mirror, who happened to be wearing my hoody and my pajama bottoms.  I was looking at an individual who I love.  It was kind of surprising, so I stood there for longer than I probably should have, just staring. The man in the mirror wasn't broken, he wasn't damaged, he wasn't a monster.  

I'm learning the idea of self-love slowly. I've spent most of my life carrying the secret of my feelings, but I'm moving past that.  I'm not there yet.  I haven't come out, and I don't know when I will, but there's a major part of me that isn't too worried about it anymore.  I've lost a lot from coming out to the people I have, but I have also gained a lot.  There are some very incredible human beings in my life who have been able to take the fact that I feel what I feel, and have loved me.  When I saw nothing lovable, they saw so much more.  So to those people, I just wanted to say a huge thank you. 

I haven't felt this great in a long time, and it's amazing.  

One More Time

For closure I want to write about you one last time. You have taught me so much, and I'm thankful for the past three years that we've had, but I'm not going for a fourth year, because I won't be able to handle it.
I remember the night we stayed up talking until 3 in the morning, and I felt so safe, so secure. It was such a good feeling, and I hadn't felt it very much in my life before you.  Thanks for that.
I remember that night as we sped through the canyon with our friends, sitting close to you, nearly leaning into you.  I remember all of us were screaming Taylor Swift at the top of our lungs, except for you, you were laughing.
I remember driving faster than I ever had before, for one last chance to see you.
I remember story time, and how much fun that was. How when you could tell it was a bad day, you would prop open Grimm's Fairy Tales and read them to me.
I remember that we had each others backs.


But it ended.  Maybe I wanted more than you could give me.  Maybe you finally sensed it, and decided to leave me high and dry.
Whatever it was, I remember so much hurt.
I remember you trying to fix me, trying to change me in really cruel ways. I remember your judgment, and your condescension. I remember hearing you talk about me behind my back. I remember your hypocrisy, the way you always would get mad at me for talking about people, unless you wanted the details I knew.  I remember your selfishness.  I remember the nights I waited up for you to come home.  But it's all over.


I'm not in pain anymore.  That's the truly miraculous part of this. I had envisioned us as a team forever, and now I can't even see us as a team anymore. We're two individuals, who are happier this way.  And I think that's the best part of all of this. I don't need you, and you don't need me. But more than that, I don't love you, and I don't choose you. 

#Cheesyafterschoolspecial

"In the past 3 days, I...
-Drove 1,632 miles
-DJ'd a private party
-Filmed a supercell thunderstorm
-Photographed a $13,333 electric guitar
-Chased a baby bobcat
-Witnessed a blue 'fireball' meteor
-Hit 111MPH in a Lexus
-Purchased my first Mountain Big Face animal t-shirt
-Saw a car accident in a drive-thru
-Listened to 32 hours of music"

This is what I saw when I logged into facebook today, and all I could think was "psh, amateur."  Let me list a few things I did in the past 3 days to highlight how amazing my life is.

-Internally debated with myself whether or not to go to the grocery store today.
-Wandered aimlessly around a cemetery to clear my head.
-Cleaned several public toilets for a little over minimum wage.
-Wrote a few papers, at obscenely early hours of the morning, so I'm pretty sure they'll need revision.
-Daydreamed my way through an English focused on immigration laws.
-Daydreamed my way through a different English class about Adjective clauses
-Aimlessly drove through the valley jamming to Neon Trees (I've already admitted that I am an addict.)
-Took a few minute break to shove a couple plums, some crackers and a granola bar down my throat.
-Texted.  Did a lot of texting.
-Drove a safe 35MPH in a 2004 Honda Civic (because I live on the edge and appreciate the finer things in life)
-Walked across campus approximately five different times today.
-Daydreamed in the library, and then realized I had been staring at a random girl for like 10 minutes, and she had noticed.

I know, by the end of that list, you're probably thinking, "oh man, I don't think my life will ever be able to live up to your amazing life." And while part of me wants to say, "you're right." The part of me that wants to be a good human being, and to have those people that enjoy being around me (I'm pretty sure they're called friends), is saying that you really shouldn't compare your life to mine. I'm sure you do some pretty awesome things too, and we all have ups and downs in the amount of "living" we do in a given week. If you see someone doing what you want to do, don't sit there and envy them for living your dreams. Let their success inspire you to push yourself a little harder so you can actually live your dreams.
#cheesyafterschoolspecial

I am lying in the dirt.  The cuts and scratches that decorate my skin from head to toe are smarting.  Dirt has never had a soothing relationship with open wounds.  I never knew that pain could feel so good.  It tells me I'm alive.  The fall did not kill me. It should have, but it didn't. I am alive.
I don't think I've ever appreciated the smell of the air so much. It's sweet on my nostrils.  On top of that, there are few other words besides 'glorious' to describe the way the sun feels as it tenderly encircles my wounded body. I could lay here forever, and never get tired of this feeling of being alive.
I don't think I can stand up yet, but it doesn't bother me.  If I stand up, then this moment will pass. It's not that I'm opposed to the idea of this moment passing, because one of the most beautiful parts about life is that moments do pass.  But I just am not ready yet.  Just a little more time, being cradled by the sun, and caressed by the breeze.
Just a little longer.  I will stand, I will walk, I will run.