It's Sunday night at family dinner. I completely broke yesterday, and I'm still in pieces, just sitting on the floor in the living room, trying to compose poetry. My sister comes, and I try to put up the guards, but her arm is around me, her head is on my shoulder, and I can't put the guards up anymore. All I can do is let the tears fall, and allow myself for that moment to be seen for what I really am.
It's a Saturday afternoon. I'm outside staining the fence for my parents, I've dedicated my last couple Saturdays to this fence, and I'm almost done. My music is blaring from my ear-buds, so I don't hear my dad approach, but he's there, and he just tells me that I'm one of the most Christ-like people he's ever met, that he loves me, and he'll always love and support me, no matter where my life takes me. He is choking back tears, and it's the first time I've seen my dad this vulnerable.
My brother has opened the letter I left on his bed. He knows now that I'm gay. He knows that I'm not planning on being at his temple wedding, that I'm not planning on my own temple wedding, and I'm so scared that he'll reject me. Then I get the text. All he says is, "I wish you were here, so I could give you a hug."
I just spent a couple hours with the guy I'm interested in, and I found out that he and his roommate (who I'm sort of interested in too, because things are complicated) are both dating other people, and I feel so disappointed, because I wanted it to work out for me. But you come along and we go out to dinner, and end up going all over town making total fools of ourselves, and it's so fun. Suddenly, I'm aware that I have an amazing best friend who knows how to help me get over stupid boy drama.
The snow is falling. It's not little flakes, it's big, fluffy, beautiful flakes. I'm sitting on the balcony, just staring out at the beauty that is all around me. I realize I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky that I am here, where I can see this beauty. I am lucky to be me.
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