One Year

Today marks exactly one year since I came home from my mission.  There are a thousand things in my mind and in my heart that I want to say right now.
First and foremost, I am so indescribably grateful for the opportunity that I had to serve as a full-time missionary.  There are literally millions of lessons I learned during those two years that have helped me grow and become the man that I want to be.  There were people that were placed in my life that lifted me from day to day, and that continue to care for me, love me, and support me to this day.  I would never wish that I had done anything else with those two years, other than what I was doing every single day in the mission field.
But more than that, I want to say how thankful I am for the year that I've had.  It has been incredibly challenging, but quite possibly the most rewarding year of my life.  I came home so scared that I would fall away from the church, that I would forget all of those lessons I had learned, and that I would turn my back on God and on my family forever.
However, this year has brought amazing and completely unexpected blessings. I have come out to more people than I ever imagined I would in my life. I've come out to almost all of my family, I've come out to friends, roommates, strangers, and neighbors.  I have been blessed with some incredible people in my life who have not pushed me away because of the feelings I have, but who have pulled me closer and made me feel loved, valued, and a part of something.
This year I have taken steps toward healing mentally from  a moment in my childhood that still leaves painful ripples.  I have been meeting with a counselor who is helping me process what it means to have been molested, and how to handle that and not use it as a crutch or as a barrier to throw around myself in future relationships.
I have learned how much I value my family, and have tried to spend more time around them than I ever would have before my mission. I have learned to love my siblings like I never expected to, and I have learned to allow myself to come second to them sometimes, which is a hard thing for me.
I have questioned my testimony.  I have honestly spent time asking the really difficult questions, and I'm still not sure I have answers, but I'm learning to accept that and live with the faith I know that I do have.
I have found myself in some of the darkest spots of my life.  I have felt the shudder of fear that comes when you aren't sure you want to be around for another day.  I have cried more tears than I think I did during my mission (and I cried quite a few times on my mission).
And through it all, I have come to a slightly clearer understanding of how much my Father in Heaven truly does love me.  I have fallen so many times this year, and every time there is that quiet reassurance in my heart that all I have to do is pick myself back up, and trust that everything is working together for my good.
I though that my mission would be the biggest growing experience of my life, but this experience of learning to be genuine, and learning to love others and trust others, and support others, has changed me beyond anything I ever expected this year to do.